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Ozzy Osbourne Schedules His Lovemaking Around ‘Letterman’

Ozzy Osbourne
Slaven Vlasic, Getty Images

After spending a few seasons watching Ozzy Osbourne putter around his kitchen in ‘The Osbournes,’ we thought nothing could surprise us about the domesticated Prince of Darkness — but as it turns out, we underestimated his wife Sharon’s tendency to overshare.

According to the UK’s Sun tabloid, Ozzy schedules his conjugal visits with Sharon around episodes of ‘The Late Show with David Letterman,’ squeezing in a few intimate moments during the commercial break before announcer Alan Kalter starts rattling off the evening’s special guests. Their source? None other than Mrs. Osbourne, who doesn’t sound very happy about her husband’s TV habit.

“We have sex at a particular time,” she’s quoted as saying. “Ozzy loves David Letterman. We lie in bed and watch it and he says, ‘Oh, we’ve just got time before Letterman’s monologue.’”

Sharon’s response: “I lie back and think of the Queen.”

As the Sun points out, this represents something of a comedown from a few years ago, when Ozzy boasted that he’d “pump away on top of Sharon like a road drill all night” after taking Viagra, and…uh, listen, can someone famous in the UK please go and do something silly enough to distract the tabloids from pursuing stories like this? We love you, Ozzy, but it isn’t even breakfast yet, and we already feel unclean.

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