9 Mistakes Every Guy Makes Their First Time Skiing
1. Wearing The Wrong Clothes
Leave your bib ski pants, Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets, and florescent onsies in the box in your parents’ basement where they belong. If you haven’t skied since before your testicles descended, it’s probably time to update your gear. If you plan on foregoing proper ski gear and taking on the slopes in denim, there are a few things you should know. The first is that denim is a derivative of cotton, therefore rendering it non-waterproof. Secondly, and arguably more important, you look absolutely ridiculous.
2. Attempting Moguls
Even though moguls look easy from the chairlift, there is a reason that the true mastery of these snowy bumps is demonstrated in an Olympic event. In the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Hannah Kearney (above) took home the gold medal competing in women’s moguls. While that last point may seem irrelevant, the fact that Hannah Kearney is a total babe is not.
3. Not Taking a Lesson
The idea of most men stepping into their bindings on the bunny hill and taking a lesson is probably akin to the likelihood of them stopping to ask for directions when lost. The problem with skiing is that while it looks easy, there’s a fair amount of coordination that is required. Taking a lesson is probably the best way to avoid looking like a complete idiot on the slopes, unless, of course, you’re wearing jeans in which case there’s no hope for you.
4. Talking A Big Game
Just because you were in the ski club in junior high and have fond memories in which you tore it up at your local hill doesn’t mean that the second you step into ski boots you become Jonny Moseley (above). Hopefully, you’ve developed some definition since you were a spry young lad, and you’ll find that your center of balance has shifted with all the extra rippling muscle you’ve acquired.
5. Assuming Bigger Means Better
While it is rumored that shoe size may be indicative of the size of other things on one’s body, I can assure you there is no assumed correlation between the length of your skis and what you’re packing below. When you’re first learning to ski, the shorter your skis are the better.
6. Black Diamonds Are Not For Beginners
Don’t take a picture in front of the sign that says: “Black Diamond Experts Only” until you can ski it. People, including attractive girls who can shred, are watching – and they will continue to watch as you ski slowly away from the sign in your beginners’ wedge only to half-fall down the green circle trail you selected called “Easy Street.”
7. Having a Yard Sale
After a long day on the slopes you’ve managed to successfully make it from top to bottom without falling. You’re comfortable on your skis, your confidence is soaring, and you’re even considering quitting your blue-collar job to live the ski bum dream. You see a guy go off of a small jump ahead of you and think: “There’s a cool idea.” Next thing you know, your skis, poles, hat, and goggles are strewn about like a bomb went off. In skiers lingo this is referred to as a “yard sale,” and it’s not pretty.
8. Holding Up The Chairlift
Get acquainted with your equipment on flat ground before you take it to the skies. While the room for error may seem small in a situation where you spend the majority of the time sitting down, the chairlift can be a dangerous apparatus to the novice skier. Taking a spill getting off the chairlift won’t just bruise your tailbone, but your delicate ego.
9. Getting Sloppy Slope Side
Almost as cool as skiing itself, Après Ski involves drinking beer, the best nachos you ever had and rehashing all of the epic-ness of the day. However, it should be noted that the translation of Après Ski is “after skiing” and not “this is an appropriate time to get frat boy-wasted.” Remember, you’ve still got your ski boots on, and it’s hard enough to walk in those when you are sober.